Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Dear Leader Visits Florida, Brings Sunshine
Dear Leader Obama, is planning a short trip to Disney World. He plans to share his wisdom on topics from immigration to his control of the weather. Out of loving concern for all of his comrades, he shall bring the sun out that day.
This mastery of the weather is reminiscent of his pre-election speech where he spoke of healing the planet, providing jobs, and receding the ocean.
We thank the Maximum Overlord, Obama, for his weather control, gentle hand, and firm discipline, guiding us to prosperity!
Our Wise Leader Explains Why Congress is Reckless and Foolish
As our Dear Leader leads us into ever greater prosperity as individuals, and as a nation, he reminds us that the scurrilous and lazy Congress wishes only harm to our great nation. In explaining how his March to Prosperity requires more spending, he wisely spoke of the running dog Republicans and their profligate spending:
The fact that we are here today to debate raising America’s debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the U.S. Government can’t pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government’s reckless fiscal policies. … Increasing America’s debt weakens us domestically and internationally. Leadership means that “the buck stops here.” Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better.
We at Newsweek congratulate the People's Hero Obama for using his wisdom to guide our nation to a more responsible pattern of spending and borrowing.
Finally, we have this human interest piece.
With Literacy the Goal, Our Wise Leader Corrects Long-Held Errors
A long running joke is that Great Britain and the US are separated by a common language. Additionally, with the variety of regionalisms and dialects, it is no surprise that the language of our former Imperialist Exploiters needs to be corrected for a more harmonious sound and pleasing character.
To that end, Dear Brother Obama has made this corrections, to be implemented immediately.
The military term, corpsman, will now be pronounced "corpse man."
Additionally, this correction will be monitored in all 57 states.
Also missing from the Conventional Wisdom page is this gem:
Obama - Genius
Those who oppose his benevolence - Racist idiots.
To the last 50 subscribers of Newsweek, I hope you are getting your money's worth.